So what I might suck as a writer. So what if I have run on sentences or awkward wording or just totally and incredibly suck as a writer. So what if I repeat myself repeat myself. So what if I fuck words. So what if I know how to do it. What if I don’t. What if I do. What if I don’t. I feel like it is just all judgement. People judgey judgey not really seeing the person who is writing down the words. Me being judgey of me. Me seeing messiness and wanting to fix it. TO EDIT. To just get rid of it. Not show myself. Need to hide behind being perfect. Not seeing the pain. When people read words and critique it they enforce pain when they don’t say kind things to the person. They fuck up the persons self-esteem when they don’t realize that. Cause that person was looking for approval. Looking for kindness. Looking for support in their writing. Looking for help to make it better not get eaten by a dragon of negativity. The critique person just see words. They just see a messed up grammer ugliness, over use of wrds, spelling errors and all that ugliness in writing. They don’t see the person. They don’t see the pain the person is going through as they struggle. Struggle. Struggle. We are not perfect but we try try try.
I was told as a child crying, crying that I cried too much. I was too sensitive. That being sensitive was a fault I needed to get rid of. The fact that I felt emotions made me weird. So I tried not to cry but it snuck out very slobbery like all of the time. I am an emotional person. I’m not logical. I’m messy. I’m creative. I’m full of love. I focus on the moment and just try to be me.
I have no idea what I am talking about. I don’t know if I even feel like a writer anymore as I am living in the moment of parenthood and I am tired. Tired. Tired. Black eyes due to the lack of proper sleep. I don’t blame my kids. I don’t feel bad about being a parent. It is amazing to be present with them. I want to do so much but have to slow down. Be focused on the life around me rather than in my mind with words. I get lost in the words in my head. Often not realizing how it affects my world that I actually breathe in. That’s why I trained as a shiatsu therapist as well as reiki master. To be spiritually aware all of the time not just in my head.
But then I got caught in that world thinking that the only way to live was to think of positive things and ignore nagging negative stuff. I felt guilty, I still do feel guilty, for not eating the proper way. Not exercising more not sleeping more not doing anything healthy more. Not that I am saying I am unhealthy. I try to pay attention. I try. I try. And yet that’s not enough for the side of me that knows better. The side that would be lectury to my clients and to me. That knew what was best because I could feel what their bodies were asking help for. And yet I have been ignoring my body for a while. Ignoring it cause I don’t want to listen. Not sure where these words are going but just neeed to write. My eyes want to cry. I want to sleep. But I also want to be creative. I want to be heard. I want to find connections with people. I am hurting inside due to the fact that I am reaching out to people but they are not interested. Of course I am reaching out to strangers. Cause they are easier to deal with. Or at least one thinks they are.
Ad so maybe I just suck as a writer but I am fabulous as a person who lives in the moment. I am fabulous at being myself and not caring what others think when I am living life. I am the kind of woman that will walk down a dirt road in a strange country without a shirt on, in my bra, all because it’s so fucking hot. I am the kind of woman that will let her kids dig giant holes in her garden and let the dandelions grow for the bees. I am the kind of woman that will have an idea for years and follow through with it once the right moment allows it to occur. I am the kind of woman that will keep working on a project even when she has low self-esteem about it. I am the kind of woman that doesn’t have a grassy front yard where as the rest of her neighbours do. I am the kind of woman who cries and feels weak at moments. I am the kind of woman that keeps going. The kind of woman who may feel lonely or desperate at times for support but at the same time can enjoy sitting next to a tree staring at the flowers and feel content. I’m the kind of woman open to whatever is supposed to happen. I am the kind of woman who just needs to breathe and be present with the now and let whatever needs to come out come out come out come out. As I don’t know anything. Just letting it all stream on out. I am the kind of woman that listens to her intuition and just goes with it. Even if it totally doesn’t make any sense. I am that kind of woman.